Just looking to widen your circle of friends, as opposed to looking for a relationship. Bumble has a BFF feature for people who are not looking for dates.
The Bumble Boost upgrade makes it easier and faster to meet or date people. Clover (Android, dating an au pair and A little bit dating an au pair and Tinder and a little bit dating quotes OkCupid, Clover (Android, iOS) takes a grab bag approach with a variety of ways to find and meet potential matches, from Tinder-like swiping to questionnaires, date planners, and detailed profiles with lists of interests.
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Always meet at a public place where you are surrounded by many other people. Always stay in a safe area. Tell your friends and also your host family who you are going to meet. Tell them where you are going to meet too. You never know, who you are going to meet until you got to know that person.
Do not talk with your date about places you go to with your host kids, their school, clubs or anything like that. Do not give your date and new acquaintance any documents e. Talk to your family about something like a code word. If you do not feel safe, you can call them and they could e. Also your family speaks the same language as your date and for them it is easier to check if that person might be talking in a weird way or has actually other intentions.
You should never have the feeling, that telling your host family where you are going to is childish! For many people Tinder and other apps are only used to find an easy opportunity for sex. Of course those people exist, but not everybody has the same intentions. Ask people your age from your host country what they think about certain apps and how these apps are being used in this country.
In some countries people use Tinder for other reasons than in your home country. Leave a Reply Cancel reply You must be logged in to post a comment.
Advice for Au Pairs. Au Pair Destinations , Travel Tips. Follow us on Instagram. A recurring theme on this site seems to be the issues that arise because APs are young and frequently think of themselves and their wishes and desires first. I think this is simply another example of this. As other posters have described, she has several options available, including rematching.
Personally, I favor just letting it go as long as it is not affecting her job performance. This sounds like an AP who is doing a great job otherwise, and we all know how much that is worth, and how there are no guarantees that the next AP will be as good. Same with a family member. For example, if my brother lived with me and then wanted to date my sister in law I would have no problem telling him that she is off limits, that is awkward and that I am not interested in having the drama in my house.
Is that really too much to ask? Regarding the privacy issue. OP apparently thought it was enough of a risk that she warned her brother that the AP was off limits before even matching, but she does not mention ever telling the AP until after the relationship started. As far a dishing dirt to relatives goes, that is very family dependent. If your family tends to be nosy, critical and interfering then obviously it could be a huge issue and you would have good cause to want to avoid gossip and drama.
Should she forbid that relationship as well? HM tells her loved ones the family will be hosting an AP. Brother a flirt makes a joking suggestion that they find an attractive AP. The above conversation is probably fairly common given the ridiculous tropes about APs. Most of us have probably heard comments about APs that we would not share with our APs.
Thank you so much for all of the work you put in as members to make this a great website. I used the website a lot when trying to decide on whether an au pair is right for us. So, much appreciation to all of you! I apologize for the murkiness of my post. I Just wanted to have as anonymity as possible, but I probably overdid it. My AP is 26, baby brother is 29, sane maturity level.
She has been with us for half a year, taking care of my babies. I mention this last part because I noticed no one commented on the kids perception of this. I also should have stated that she is a great au pair. She loves our children very much and they love her. So, as many of you gleaned from the email, there are many underlying family issues. There was a reason my husband and I chose to tell him the au pair was off limits, and at the time he blew it off as a joke I guess.
My mother has a pattern of enabling hello basement and justifying his behaviors, and our difference in opinions has led to hurtful exchanges. I know, I know- these are issues for a family counselor not a host mom advice page, but… I am so annoyed that this part of my life has mucked up something that was going great- my relationship with my au pair.
But if I can go ahead and continue venting, yes, the talking is bothering me. Even tonight for example, we had friends over for dinner and we were discussing the merits of spacing out kids vs close in age. I was going to voice my opinion based on my experience, but then thought otherwise because I was scared it would get back to my brother and hurt his feelings.
I also feel like I can hear their collective snickering at my obsession with de cluttering…. My family is coming in for a visit soon and I mentioned that there will be no co sleeping. Maybe, as suggested, I should consider a male au pair next time???? I wonder if you have actually voiced those concerns with her? Issues like these may not be obvious to others. As an AP I know I would appreciate a talk about this and would be mindful of this issue.
Dear OP, my solution for you would be removing the AP from your house. Having said that, I understand your AP completely.
Can you blame her that she prefers to get involved with an older and more mature man than waste her time dating local college students or male APs from the area? Would you really send an aupair back home just because she talks on the phone to hm brother? You ruin her year just because you dont like that they are talking?
Makes me said to read something like that. If I wanted two people to stop dating for this or that reason I would do whatever it takes. Ahhh, I get this! But I am not sure you can do anything? I understand how you must feel — betrayed and upset. Hypothetically possible, but VERY unlikely. It might take a little concentration to put yourself in the fairy tale every time you think about it.
As for my opinion of it all. But from your brother you can expect loyalty and consideration. So funny how divergent the opinions are on this! Maybe this is a lid for every pot thing and rematch would be the best choice if it truly bothers you.
Well maybe they ARE just texting…given the distance between them I can hardly imagine that it can be more. They dated while she was still their AP and that led to them not extending but it worked out very well. If they were having an affair then maybe that was grounds for rematch, but I honestly would find it totally unreasonable if you proposed rematch as suggested above because they are texting….
I totally agree with momo4. You are totally within your rights to make any sort of rules you like when bringing someone into your home, but its not fair to make the rules later on. Your family handbook should make any rules clear, and if one of those is that you need to give approval before your AP dates, then that needs to be written down, like in workplaces where dating is forbidden.
As some other posters said though, how are you going to feel in the hypothetical situation that you are hostile to this situation, the AP and your brother quite rightly tell you to mind your own beeswax, and they end up married??
We cannot anticipate every possible scenario when making a handbook can we? But like I said, I would be uncomfortable in that situation and it would be unacceptable, but every family is different. If they tell her not rightfully so btw to mind her own business and end up getting married, then fine.
They can both run off into the sunset and go to straight to her parents basement. She can still support the relationship once the AP is with another family. There is a big difference between needing to give approval before the AP dates and being upset that your AP starts dating a close family member.
I think that even a young AP can see the danger in getting involved like this and I question whether or not she realizes the implications of the contact. But in this case the OP DID think it was possible, even likely enough that she felt she had to warn her brother that the AP was off limits. Clearly, she knows enough about her brother that she anticipated he might try to date her AP before she even matched with the AP.
There are many tactful, kind, and even humorous ways to warn your AP that her dating one of your relatives would be uncomfortable for you and you think it would be an inappropriate relationship to pursue. Your AP is much more likely to see things your way if she understands your feelings and the implications of her choices before she makes them.
I understand that this hostmum dont like this situation. But also sometimes its just the way of love evan if they dont date right now I dont like always new boy or girlfriends from my family members and friends and some seems just perfect. I also spend most of the time with my best friend and i have problems to come along with his girlfriend, but since i like my friend a lot, i accept und try to be as nice as i can, since iam happy that he has found somebody.
The second option ist you just accept this and see it in a different way. Your brother has not much money so he cant come an see her a lot and your aupair may has not much money and time eather to see him a lot. Probably now while the somer is comming up, theire is so much to do for a Aupair that she likes is out a lot. And they stop talking. Just dont take her with you, wenn you visit your parents and ask him to not stay in your house while the aupair is still theire.
After her year she will likely go back to her country. The HP had a conversation about a situation that made them uncomfortable and the AP has disregarded their request. If not, it would be best for all involved if they transitioned. I would give the AP the choice.
She has disregarded your request as has your brother. So in my mind yes she is free to date your brother if she so chooses but the price of that may be her job with you.
I view my au pairs as someone who is living me and my family who is paid to help me with my kids, they are employees essentially and a relationship with my brother or similar is out of bounds. My current au pair started a relationship an intense friendship which morphed into romance with the husband of a client of mine.
I was furious and she knew it. It stopped after I spoke to both of them. But that put me in a challenging and frustrating situation. Not quite the same as OPs situation however it mixed my home life with my work life and that is no on. Just as it would be if my au pair and my brother were in a relationship. Do what feels right for you OP. How is being close friends and dating really that different in an exclusively long-distances relationship?
The conversation she is referring to ideally should have happened BEFORE she introduced the AP to her brother, since she already knew the whole thing might be an issue. It may well be that it was actually the brother who told the AP that HM would have a problem with their relationship since he knew this from the get go.
Maybe the OP could clarify this? I just worry that the AP is being unfairly vilified here. It may be academic, but there is a difference between initiating a relationship that you know will cause all kinds of family tension and upset your HM, and initiating a relationship only to find out later that it upsets your HM, and having to decide how to respond at that point.
I spent a lot of time on here when trying to decide on whether an au pair is right for us. I Just wanted to have as much anonymity as possible, but I probably overdid it. My AP is 26, baby brother is 29, same maturity level. There was a reason my husband and I chose to tell him the au pair was off limits.
I guess at the time he blew it off as a joke I guess. I was going to voice my opinion based on my experience, but then thought otherwise because I was scared it would get back to my parents and brother and hurt their feelings.
My family is coming in for a visit soon and I mentioned that there will be no co sleeping to my family only. My family lives in another state and we get along great now because of the distance. Thanks for posting, OP!
I love when posters come back and give more details. Hope it works out for you! Family, and especially sibling relationships can be incredibly challenging. Feeling that you have to censor your conversations because the AP is there and might pass things along to your brother and by extension your parents is a significant concern and stressor. Since your AP sounds like such a wonderful person, do you think you could sit down with her and share how you feel? You would have to be very diplomatic and avoid venting your long standing frustration with your brother, but perhaps you could start by simply admitting to her that your relationship with your brother and parents is sometimes stressful for you, and without criticizing them, give some examples of when this has happened and how this has affected you.
For example, decluttering is something that helps many many of us feel calmer and more in control since clutter makes us feel anxious and stressed.
This hurts, especially when it is our family that does not understand how we feel and mocks us. This can be addressed from either the hurt-feelings or the hey-this-is-just-one-of-my-quirks angle. After you explain this to the AP, you can then go on to explain how anxious it makes you to be worrying that anything you say may come back to haunt you later after your family hears about it.
If you put it this way and avoid criticizing your brother , you let yourself be vulnerable, but you may find that your AP is quite sympathetic and understanding. It may be challenging for her to navigate the tensions between you and your family, but it sounds like it would be worth the effort to help her see how treacherous the waters are, and how you may be hurt by the situation.
Asking someone to help you avoid pain and suffering is likely to be much more effective than telling them they have to give up something they enjoy.
And if you ever need any validation on the importance and joys of de-cluttering, feel free to contact me! I missed this when I posted this am.
Thank you for circling back and please post updates later on — end of year, if extension is impacted because hearing the cycle really helps everyone here! Only scenario where I see them getting out of this without damaging further relationships is coordinating parting ways before it gets worse.
You make another good point though that I think in this instance the HM needs to make it clear that communicating friends or otherwise is upsetting and she can do whatever she wants in another household. And I think the HM owes it to this AP to do like I said and plan a rematch and engage her and give her a reference, extra time if needed and help her find a nice family.
Not let her wallow and get sent home. TexasHM, I think you are living in my head! Totally agree with all you said here. It kind of creeps me out because I want to maintain a clear boundary between my family and our lives at home. In this case, at a minimum, OP should sit down with AP and have a heart to heart about how this is affecting the family dynamic.
Maybe that will result in a way to work through the situation with the AP in place, and no or few hurt feelings. Maybe it will result in a coordinated rematch. My recent in-country rematch took weeks on end, and my job, family and sleep patterns suffered greatly the whole while. It is not a quick fix, even when it is the best option. My first rematch was a wonderful au pair.
We loved him greatly, and he did a fantastic job with my son. By the time the third screw-up occurred, we had to call it quits. One thing we discussed is that if I had it to do again, I would have rematched earlier, before so much damage had been done, and so that he would have been in a better position to find a family.
He ended up going home. The bottom line is that this is how OP feels, and it is creating problems the resentment she noted. AP is not a villan— this is just an unfortunate situation— but she has choices just as OP does. Yep AlwaysHopeful you are in my head too! Completely agreed and dead on particularly about not wanting to freak out the AP or mention it at a wedding when you are leaving the next day. Exact same thing I would have done.
Not APs fault brother is a flirt or creep or whatever. Just in the last year have we reconciled completely. I feel for the HM and the AP. She made her decision, now the HM has to make hers. Imagine if they actually started dating! The question was — is she stuck riding it out or is there anything she can do at this point? Not — is this an unreasonable demand or should I just get over it? So, no, she is not stuck but the options are not as Always said — for the faint of heart which is why I said HM needs to really take stock of the situation and determine if she can reverse her position very difficult and unlikely , work together for everyone to move on or swallow the angst until something blows up and then deal with the damage likely much more.
We too had a rematch about 6 months ago and we too gave the AP too many chances safety issues and bad fit. She was sent home. I often wonder if we had rematched much sooner before several of the additional safety issues and car accidents if she would have been able to go into a house of older kids and be successful. I have a brother and if the AP were to get involved it would be disastrous for our family. Yes, its not in our handbook and yes, he lives a flight away and has no money and is on government support so like the OP, if he and AP were to hit it off we would likely be in the same boat.
So yes, its long distance and unlikely to go anywhere but would cause enough angst for me to ask the AP to do me a favor as a member of the family and not put us through that. If she refused, our relationship absolutely would be damaged and I would start getting frustrated about every little thing like her not picking up after herself and it would spiral until either rematch or depending on timing if it was close to the end of the year we might try to suck it up but it would definitely damage the relationship for the future.
There is only one poster on here that said send her home. And we already said the OP needs to tell the AP that them communicating at all bothers them so the AP can decide if it is worth it continue and harm the HF further or quit and have a chance of salvaging things. We got along very well and have stayed in touch since leaving. When I mentioned this to my HM, she was a little weird about it. I was offended that it felt like I was being told who I could and could not date when I had only just met this person.
It was an awkward conversation but since I am only friends with her brother, I let her know I understood her point of view. Then recently my HD spoke to me about the situation and insisted that we are dating because they know how often we speak and text. Since then I feel like my HM is mad at me and have even asked her about this and I feel like all my texts and conversations are being scrutinized. I am not sure what to do.
I know that takes liberties with the situation, but I think that without some well thought out communication, 6 or so more months of hoping it will fizzle is going to be stressfull for all involved.
Is the situation any different? TexasHM I understand your point but 1. Her first sentence says: It has not impacted work remains a wonderful Au pair. Host has said to ap no dating but they may be friends. Brother has no money or job to fly op said it is less than likely he will. In ops parents home they flirted only no kiss, no real physical contact.
They are NOT dating. Only in USA this would be considered dating. The Au pair is young, is going out, probably has friends… At this point she is probably on tinder talking to 3 more boys other than OPs brother….
All my Au pairs would chat with many at time…. For her is just a fun friend with inocent flirt….